Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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