i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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