Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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