he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
