I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
