Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.