you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.