I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument