Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
