im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.