Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
