do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
