I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
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You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
