Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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