I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
