that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
