My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
