I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
