nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
