you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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