If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
