When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
