It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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