I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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