well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
