You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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