I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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