Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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