A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
