I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
