We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
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Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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