Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-