She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
