happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
