yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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