He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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