I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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