yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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