mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
