Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
