Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
