It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
