its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
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According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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