i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
