Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
