Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
