I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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