Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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