I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
