people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
