This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
