She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
