I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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