How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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