You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
