even my farts smell like vagina
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
