If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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