i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
