Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
